Tuesday, July 20, 2010

An Undivided Heart

Man, I am so tired. Last night I had insomnia. I was still up at 1:30 a.m. I had committed to meeting my running buddies at 6:00 a.m. We are beginning our training for a half-marathon, my first. At 1:30 in the morning I thought there was no way I could get up at 5:30 and run at 6:00. But lo and behold, I woke up without the alarm clock at 5:30 something. I met my girls and we ran. I'm a little concerned about preparing for this half-marathon. I'm already exhausted and feeling run-down physically and emotionally (I have been sick the past couple of weeks with upper respiratory junk.) And I don't have a plan for exactly how I'm going to train yet. But I know I'm going to have to start running more frequently and longer distances to be ready for the Bass Pro Half-Marathon in early November.

Here are some of the other reasons for concern about training: I will be 39 in less than 2 months. Its not like I'm training for this in my early 20's. I have two young children and they start back to school and preschool in a month. I don't want to waste any precious time we have left of our summer. I don't want the days to go by without me teaching something of God to my children. And I know I need sleep and energy to accomplish that. I am also preparing to teach a six-week Bible study I've never taught before that starts next month. I am trying to form a Moms in Touch prayer group for my son's elementary school. I am debating about going back to school by taking some classes at seminary. I also plan to facilitate a Bible study in September. I've been approached about helping teach a small group at church; and about heading up a prayer team for another ministry. And I'm wondering if I should continue to volunteer my counseling at the church in the fall. Oh yeah--and I have a husband:) He is a good man.

Which leads to why I think I had insomnia last night:) My husband and I were arguing before I went to bed. And I kept saying I just wanted to go to bed because I knew I had to get up in a few short hours to go running. But the thing about our exchange is that my husband let me know for the first time how he feels about all my activity. We had been to my son's last baseball game and then to the after-party at a pizza place. But I wanted to stop on the way to get the coach a card and gift. So my son was worried about being late, and then my husband was worried about being late. And then we got there and I was running around helping everyone. I could tell my husband was annoyed with me, which annoyed me. So we got into it before bedtime--and he let me know that he just wanted me to stop worrying about everyone else and sit down with him and our son. He said that there is always something...I'm always worried about a child that's crying or worrying they are being abused, etc; that I'm always trying to help every child. Last night I wondered how this could be a bad thing and I responded by telling him I wish he would focus on the positives about me and be appreciative:)

So today I met with a sweet sister in the Lord--my regional rep. for Moms in Touch. She opened her Bible and read this verse: "Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." An undivided heart. God had shown me over this summer that my focus needs to be on my children. I want to work on being a mother that doesn't just react to my children but one that actually teaches them something. I know that sounds crazy but there are days that have gone by where I feel that I haven't taught my children anything of value. I know that I need to take time each day to read the Word myself, but also with my children. There are many days that I fail at this.

All the things I want to do are good things--and helping others is good. But when I get overly involved even in good things, my heart is divided. I must pray that God will give me an undivided heart. I must be completely dependent on and devoted to God to save me from myself -to stay true to Him; to fear Him; to do nothing, even good things, without going to Him first. In this season my ministry is to my husband and children. I am reminded of Matthew 6:33 which instructs me to "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I know all the other good things I want to do have to be in God's timing. I can't do it all right now, but those desires and opportunities will still be there when the time is right.

1 comment:

  1. great thoughts, Jenny...

    i can say from experience that it is a wonderful feeling of relief to let go of some committments. i wasn't truly fufilling my first ministry to serve my Man and my kiddos when i over-committed to other projects or ministries or school activities, even though they are wonderful projects. if i am always poured out without taking the necessary time to get filled from the Lord, then i'm of no use to my family or to God for that matter.

    so glad you shared... found your blog from an email kristy emailed me about joining your Bible study starting in august. looks interesting, i'll have to see what my schedule looks like!

    thanks, heather