Well, this may prove to be quite a different post than the others so far. A bit more of the rambling and venting variety, so you may choose to get off here:) I guess I've hit a point that comes for me occasionally--one of feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, unsure, and feeling like a failure. Not sure where it started this time. Maybe it was when my 6 year old son asked me yesterday what I was mad about it--and I wasn't talking at the time. And then today when (I also wasn't talking at the time) my husband asked more than once what was wrong. That means I look angry, which means I'm frustrated and/or overwhelmed. It usually comes out sooner or later verbally as well; and that's when it gets really ugly around here.
My son has been in school for a week, which may be one of the reasons for my feeling overwhelmed. First grade seems to be quite a bit different than kindergarton already--there is more work, there is homework, there are more papers coming home, and greater expectations of the students. So my prayers have increased for my son over the last week.
My daughter starts preschool next week. I will be glad for her to start preschool so I can have a break. We are working on getting her speech services. But also with her starting preschool I am faced with how to use that brief bit of time I will have to myself. I will go to the Dr. and make appointments I have put off. I will meet with my newly forming moms in touch prayer group. But I am also feeling like I should get a part-time job. I haven't worked in so long, I don't even know if its possible, especially part-time. Money is tight being a single-income family; and I get weary of that. I know that is not the right attitude, as I know I am to be content in everything; and compared to so many, we are so blessed.
Sometimes I feel like I am failing as a mother. To be honest, sometimes I have a hard time enjoying the now --and I don't know why. Because then I walk around feeling guilty and knowing that this time with my young children at home is fleeting and I will probably look back and wonder why I was more concerned with my agenda than sitting and playing with my children and actually enjoying them. Don't get me wrong, my children are precious precious to me--the sweetest things on this earth. Sometimes the demands for attention, answers to questions, and general service are overwhelming to me (although no amount of stress is equal to the joy my children bring:)
So I put myself in a no-win situation, feeling I'm a failure at times as a stay-at-home mom, but being too scared to go back to work. I'm scared because I don't want someone else caring for my children; I'm scared that my children will be scared if they are left with someone else, I'm scared of missing out on their lives if I leave them with someone else, and I'm scared because I feel incompetent to be successful at work. Crazy I know.
I'm also getting up at 5:30 a.m. to have a brief quiet time with the Lord before going running and training for a 1/2 marathon in November. I'm tired. A lot of days I feel exhausted because I feel like I have barely slept. My body hurts. On top of that I don't have a good handle on my eating habits. With all this running I'm not losing weight, and I'm not eating as I should.
So I am looking ahead to the weeks to come. My daughter will be in preschool Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 9-1. Tuesday mornings I plan to facilitate ladies Bible studies. Wednesday nights I will be in choir. Thursday mornings I'm going to help in my son's class. Things may change with my husband's job in December. Most weekends ahead are already filled with activities. So do I try to get a part-time job?
Just living in this world is overwhelming--just reading the news.
I know that God is in control and everything is going to be alright, come what may. I don't have any real problems. This is just a day in the life that will pass. I will wake up again in the morning priviledged to have the freedom to meet my Lord and to have legs to run with while running with my running buddies. I will have the priviledge of getting my son ready for his day and driving him to school, saying a prayer for him on the way. I will have the joy of picking him up after his day. I will have the priviledge of having my 4 year old daughter by my side throughout the day. I will have the satisfaction of attending her preschool open house at her Christian preschool. I will have money to buy groceries. I can lay my head on a soft pillow tonight. I have a husband who is here--who cares for me and for our children. There are many blessings to be thankful for. And many trials to be thankful for too. This will be my focus this week--thanksgiving.